Sunday, 18 March 2012

A memorable trip to the Dentist's.

Declining backwards, I opened my jaw and felt the icy metal penetrate.


“Pardon me?”

“Sorry, that appears to be my body’s natural reaction to sharp metal objects dancing around in my mouth”.

“Oh right, oh bravo! Well really this will only take a second, try not to worry. And remember, let me know at any point if it hurts and I will stop.”

Writhing back and forth, back and forth, tugging and slicing into my gum, the nerve endings erupted with pain. Through the obstacles shoved in my mouth, I let out, “Igh urst”. The yanking persisted. “Igh gurst”.

“Almost there now, almost”-

“Igh ursthl!”

“And there we go, managed to get the little fellow”. Disdain and a quivering jaw met the dentist’s elated eyes.

“I’m sorry, I realise you were saying something there but I almost had it so I thought it best to keep going. How are you feeling?”

“Blike anh kice skathe has rode acrossth my bare gum?” The dentist chuckled, the sadistic bastard.

“Oh you are a witty character aren’t you?”

Cheek inflated by what must have been a gobstopper, I declined the invitation to join him in merriment.

“Right then, that’s you all done. Could you hand these documents to the receptionist on your departure please? Oh and before I forget, there’s an anonymous questionnaire to complete as well”.

Dr Perish failed to recognise my indignation as I snatched the forms from his grasp. This was possibly a side effect of constantly being surrounded with morphine, though I somehow didn’t get a look in. Typical. 

And closing the door of his torture chamber, I pensively confirmed the reason I had postponed visiting the dentist for two years. A brief scan of the waiting room was enough justification for toothless, baby food-consuming adults everywhere.

There they were…the countless, cretinous, screaming, brow-furrowing things, each hanging from chandelier and coffee table. I tried to count them but the constancy of their shrieking tackled every thought as soon as it formed. Some of the things had 3 other things hanging off them. It was some sort of junglegym, only instead of wood or plastic it was woven with humans and drool. There wasn't an adult in sight, and in my panic I think I might have carelessly ticked "Strongly Agree", on the questionnaire, stating that Dr. You Will Perish "exceeded my expectations". I suppose you could argue that he did, I mean I wasn't expecting to bleed quite so much, to cry quite so loudly and to lose 40 pounds from failure to consume any solids for 5 weeks. And I suppose I do feel like I "gained heightened awareness", from the experience. In the future I will brush my teeth at least 5 times a day, ALWAYS floss and never ever book an appointment with someone whose name suggests demise. 

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